Brian Schottenheimer’s first year calling plays in Dallas hasn’t exactly been the dream start he’d have hoped for. The defense has been unrecognizable, one of the worst in franchise memory. They still somehow sit at second in the NFC East, but there are cracks everywhere. And not hard to see why Schottenheimer might already be contemplating… a new line of work.

In a recent interview, Schottenheimer told the story of how he found himself in the middle of an unexpected wildlife crisis. “I literally had 72 text messages on my phone,” the head coach said. “Seventy-two. I’m a popular guy, so that’s nothing abnormal,” he added.

Turns out, while the coach was holed up in late-night meetings drawing up plays, his family back home was busy dealing with an owl. His son, who had left the sliding doors open, suddenly had a “big, hawk-sized bird” swoop into the house. And, well, things only got messier from there on.

“We’re not very outdoorsy people,” Schottenheimer joked. So, of course, they had no clue how to deal with the situation. His son took the suburban way out and called backup. Schottenheimer’s soon-to-be nephew entered the picture to form a team with the son, a duo Schottenheimer named “Frick and Frack.” But they managed to do everything but make things better. “All they did was p–s it off,” Brian Schottenheimer remarked.

So, when the coach got wind of the situation, he did what most football head coaches are so good at doing. He delegated. “I called my wife and I said, ‘Honey, I’m staying at the condo tonight. You got this.’” Eventually, animal control came through, capturing the bird safely with what the coach described as “a pool net.” The owl was returned to its natural domain.

And believe it or not, that wasn’t his first run-in with Dallas wildlife. Earlier in the year, a snake had slithered into his yard and ended up biting the family dog. So now, after a few too many encounters with the local fauna, Schottenheimer’s ready to embrace his new calling.

“I might have to look at that as another job. Just kinda become an animal control guy. I’m so experienced now with wildlife in and around Dallas,” he said. He even managed to turn the chaos into a bit of locker-room motivation. “I think we won when we had the snake issue, so that’s probably a good omen. I’ll put an elephant in my garage if I have to next. If that’s what it takes to win, I’ll do it,” he added.

But well, if the defense doesn’t magically fix those cracks, stopping Kyler Murray would be quite a challenge.

Cowboys’ concerning record against Kyler Murray

After falling to the Denver Broncos, the Cowboys’ record is 1-4 in away games, and Monday’s matchup against Arizona will play a huge part in evaluating their playoff chances. Calling it a must-win also feels like an understatement. Luckily, the Commanders are facing their own issues. But unfortunately, they might be going up against quarterback Kyler Murray.

Even if he’s been nursing a foot injury, Murray’s history in Arlington is nearly mythical. Dating back to his high school days at Allen, he’s a perfect 9-0 at AT&T Stadium. He’s also beaten the Cowboys twice there as a pro. For whatever reason, the Cardinals always seem to bring their best against Dallas, winning seven of their last eight meetings since 2008.

For Schottenheimer’s defense, the assignment is simple but brutal: stop Kyler Murray’s legs. That’s been a losing battle for just about everyone this year, but especially for Dallas. According to NFL writer Tommy Yarrish, Dallas has the worst record in the league when it comes to giving up rushing yards to the QBs. They’ve surrendered 220 yards on 48 carries and three touchdowns so far.

They’re also near the bottom in overall rushing defense, ranking 29th with 146 yards allowed per game. On the other hand, Kyler Murray was still limited on Friday, so there’s a chance he doesn’t suit up this week either. But Brian Schottenheimer needs to come up with a plan for his run defense, that’s the reality we can’t deny.